Kayleigh Carroll Shaw, stillborn 25 June 2004.

Kayleigh was the daughter of Chris and Judy Shaw, she was their first child together. Kayleigh has a big sister Jessica and 2 baby brothers Dougie and Joshua.
I didn't get to know my daughter, I had her inside me moving and kicking me for 7 and a half months then she just fell asleep. My mum took a liking to country and western music during my pregnancy much to my dislike but kayleigh seemed to love it and never stopped kicking when ever it was played. I suffer from endometriosis and thought I was unable to have children so when we discovered we were pregnant me and my husband Chris were over the moon, Chris really wanted a little girl so was made up when the scan confirmed this. I think we bought out mothercare getting everything for our little princess, Chris and his best friend martin did out our spare room for her it was all winnie the pooh , all ready for her 3 months before she was due we were that excited!
Then came June, we started out the beginning of the month so happy getting married on the 4th only a small wedding with our very close family we only had a night away together and planned to have a big party the following week for all our family and friends at my mums pub, then sadly our close friend James tragically died, shortly after James' funeral I began to feel unwell this carried on for a couple of days I phoned my midwife to tell her that I was unwell, being sick and could not feel the baby moving, my midwife put it down to me being upset from the death of James and the fact that I was being sick was giving the baby no energy. On Wednesday the 23rd I woke up really not well my husband was in court sorting out weekend contact for his daughter Jessica so I could not reach him, not knowing what to do with myself I went to my mums, my mum and my nanna were very worried about me said I looked like death warmed up and insisted I called the midwife out, I did and she arrived at my mums about 12.30. this was the 3rd day I had not felt my baby move. My midwife got her monitor out and started going round my belly to listen to the babies heart beat, she was unsure if she could hear the baby or was it my heart beat and after about 15 mins of trying she gave up and decided to send me to hospital for a scan, she told me to be prepared that maybe there was no heart beat I began to cry and she explained to my mum and nanna what was wrong. My mum got hold of Chris he came home picked me up and we drove to Bangor to our hospital. I sat holding Chris hand all the way there with my other hand I had my fingers crossed and was praying to myself that she was still alive, I kept trying to be positive telling my Chris that everything was going to be fine. We arrived on the labour ward and the midwifes there could also find no heart beat so they sent me straight down for a scan, I remember walking into scan room 2 laying down on the bed, I was holding Chris hand and the midwife that was looking after me was rubbing my leg, I found it very strange that they turned the screen away from me so I couldn't see my baby then the scan lady got up and walked out returning with another lady, they spoke to my midwife then she turned to me to tell me the worst news of my life, my baby girl had died! the rest of this day and the next couple of days are a blur to me really. The 25th. Me and Chris arrived at ysbyty gwynedd at 8.30am I had my waters broke and my labour started, I was given plenty of pain killers and was not feeling any pain so was completely shocked when at 12.30 I moved to get a drink and I gave birth to our baby girl! she was born in her sack, the midwifes took her to the next room to clean her up and dress her and bough her back to us in a lovely white satin dress and matching bonnet. I wasn't sad at all for the 2 hours we got to spend alone with our kayleigh, we took it in turn holding her cuddling her and taking loads and loads of pictures of our beautiful baby girl. my nanna had arranged for the families undertaker to come and collect kayleigh from us at the hospital, in fact it was his wife and daughter that came with a little white coffin. Mrs Owen picked kayleigh up out of the white satin moses basket and placed her in this white coffin with pink lining and took her to valley to their chapel of rest for us. As they walked out of the door with my baby girl that was when it hit me, that was all my plans, dreams, hopes my world taken from me, gone. We had to wait for a new coffin to arrive in for kayleigh as the one they had for her was far to big, we gave her photos of all the family, a teddy and a letter telling her all about her family. when kayleigh came home she went to her bedroom and we put her in her cot and played the winnie the pooh cot mobile to her over and over again. I had lost my dad in 1999 and I purchased the plot next to him at the time so that's were we decided kayleigh would go, next to her grandad so that she would not be alone. we had a small service in St Patrick's church, me and Chris carried kayleigh into the church, and Chris carried her out, it was something Chris had to do for her. Chris and martin lowered kayleigh down into the ground I cant even begin to describe how that felt standing there watching my baby disappearing into a dark cold hole, I was begging Chris not to put her there I so desperately wanted to grab her and take her home to put her back in her cot and play winnie the pooh to her that's all that was going round and round in my head. then she was gone. that was the most painful day of my life, its 2 and a half years now since we lost our daughter and have since had 2 lovely sons Dougie 18 months and Joshua 13 weeks but the pain is still the same as the day she died and my empty feeling inside is still there, I don't know if that will ever go or will the pain ease in time? we love and miss you so much kayleigh always and forever mummy and daddy xxxxx